xanax

my anxiety has me by the ponytail
so much so
that after pacing the upstairs hallway
taking two showers and a bath
i finally get down to it
and take the pill i have stuffed into my old lady wallet
that i begged from a coworker on Friday

and now, all that i can think of
is that I am wasting
a perfectly good calm
on sitting at home

YOU SHOULD GO OUT AND SPEND THIS CALM
ON SOMEONE WHO WOULD APPRECIATE IT,
says my brain

obviously, this medicine is really doing the trick

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Vastra Dhauti

sitting on the boat yesterday,
my cousin told me about this yogic practice
in which one swallows 22 feet of muslin cloth
and pulls it back up
to cleanse the digestive tract

my toes curled up into my sandals
and i smacked myself in the forehead

“it comes out all different colors” she said
“like, literally, everyone’s stomach stuff is different”

i have no desire to put 22 feet of cloth in me
but i do want to see what color the inside of my guts are
and i want to compare it to the colors of other’s guts
and i know what’s wrong with that

i have no idea what is living inside me

there’s no good science on probiotics
or all that Kombucha
i’ve been drinking

and there’s certainly
no definitive work on my
anxious nature
or inability to sit still

i wonder
if i had the courage
to swallow 22 feet of muslin
if it would be like sending a message in a bottle to someone
across the ocean
and getting it back immediately
as if to say,
hello, in there, are you alright?

and getting it back moments later,
to find out that i am not