When I was 7
We had competitions at the neighborhood pool
To see who could hold their breath the longest
I was always the most pitiful
I would pinch my nose tightly and submerge
While Michael and Ashley
Would watch the pool clock
That was mounted next to the rescue net
I shot up gasping, snot coming out of my nose, bangs sticking straight up

“24 seconds”
Ashley would say, head cocked to the side
Like the absolute bitch she was
(If anyone is capable of being a bitch at 7, it was Ashley)
“Now, I go” she said, in her bitch voice
And put her wiry, perfect little body underwater

“61 seconds!”
Michael shouted
Micheal was an idiot with a crush on a 7 year old bitch

I read, yesterday, that Tom Cruise
Held his breath underwater
For six minutes
Six
Minutes

Now, no one is perfect
But I feel confident in saying
That Tom is the closest thing
A human can get to
Godliness

Even Ashley can’t come close to that